So drunk its hurt
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
