I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My dad just said "fuck circus"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
