I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
People in love make me want to vomit
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
