Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I deserve this hangover.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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