I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
