Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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