I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
