it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
