God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
