im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
