for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
