1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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