My friends, they love my intelligence
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
