that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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