My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
