Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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