the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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