Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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