I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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