So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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