yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
