i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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