theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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