Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
