once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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