I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
