I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
