You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Welp...herpes.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
