just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
