Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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