i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize