I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you inspire me to be a worse person
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
