I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
