I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
