Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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