my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
