she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
