don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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