Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
