3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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