So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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