Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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