All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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