Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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