Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
