I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
