There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
