There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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