I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
