She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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