Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
