highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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