thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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