i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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