You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
